If you want your ex back, you had better get started on healing the relationship today before it's too late. I know it may look like your ex hates you but let me let you in on a powerful paradox: This is, in reality, a very good sign.

Hate indicates that there are continuing feelings connected with the relationship and you can benefit from that. Ambivalence usually shows that the feelings your ex once had for you have now cooled and are not coming back. Between hate and ambivalence is a golden time when you are able to win back your love but ONLY if you do it the right way.

The recipe for failure is found in your primal fight or flight reactions coming from your brain stem. These panic reactions are not based in reason but, rather, basic survival. They are as old as time, inherited genetically from our cave man ancestors whose everyday life was a struggle just to endure. When being chased by a hungry dinosaur, you run... but if you run over a cliff, the result is the same as being eaten alive.

When a key relationship appears to be finished, panicking is the last thing you should be doing. Here are some of the stupid things we do, robotically, when threatened with the termination of a love relationship:

1. We fault ourselves.

2. We apologize over and over again but end up appearing weak and pathetic in the process.

3. We promise to be a better person and appear weak and pathetic in the process.

4. We sneak around, stalking and spying.

5. We swear to them that we love them over and over again and look weak and pathetic in the process.

6. We try to transfer the blame onto them.

7. We contact their friends and relatives to determine if we can gain some leverage there and end up angering the very person we are wishing to win back.

8. We call them and text them continuously and end up looking weak and pathetic.

And, worst of all,

9. We PLEAD with them to come back making us look HOPELESSLY weak and pathetic.

The tricky thing to understand is that though all of these fight or flight reactions come from a good, loving place that only wants reunification in the relationship, they always end up backfiring which is exactly what you DO N T want. To see this more clearly, imagine that the roles were reversed and your ex was acting out all these "fight or flight crazy things in a desperate attempt to get you back. How alluring would your ex look to you then? YUCK!!!

What you need to do (and be) is something very different. You have to turn yourself into a flame and your ex into a moth that is irresistibly drawn to your light. If you look at it logically, you need to present your self as somebody of extreme value, a person worth getting back, somebody your ex believes he or she can not live without. You can't do this by seeming weak and pathetic. You do this by appearing strong and wise and maybe just a bit aloof.

There are many perfectly permissible, psychological tactics that you can use to strengthen your case but you MUST do something very soon, before your ex finds somebody new and fades into ambivalence. There are books available that can help you with this. Buy a good one today and begin right away. Above all, avoid all those fight or flight responses until you learn what to do (and be) that works to get you what you want and need.

I recognize, from personal experience, that breaking up can impact you like a ton of bricks. It s simply devastating, like a fifty-foot tidal wave, knocking you flat. It seems like you can't breathe and panic sets in. In some instances there were ample warnings but you just blew them off or could not comprehend them, being certain, in your blindness, that you were secure in your relationship. And, from time to time, the breakup comes as a complete surprise.

That s the way it came to me at the end of my first marriage, years ago: One night, she said, almost breathlessly, I want a divorce." I could not take in what I was hearing! I endeavored to talk her out of it but she was cold as stone.

I tried doing most of the stupid, fight or flight things I mentioned above but no matter what I did, nothing worked. I moved in with my mom and dad. I dropped almost 30 pounds. I was plagued by insomnia each night, except for brief periods of time. The moment I jolted into consciousness, that tidal wave swept over me again. Food tasted like sawdust. I couldn t stop boring people with my breakup story. Meanwhile she found someone else. We divorced and she remarried.

Today, decades later, I realize that we were not fundamentally suited and it would have been a grave error to get back together, even if I could have convinced her to come back to me. The irony is that if I knew then what I know now, I would have had her back, eating out of my hand. In retrospect, it s a lucky thing I didn t have a clue as to how to make it happen at the time. I am sure now that it would not have lasted. We were just too different.

Your family and friends will most likely strongly advise you not to plan to reunite. They will likely point to your ex as the cause of all your pain and want to take your side because they love you. They are scared that if you reunite again, you will end up having your heart broken once more. You must shut out all of this counseling. Just shut your ears to it because, if you are honest with yourself, you are the only person that understands your relationship and you are the only person who knows, deep down, if reuniting is a good idea or not. You are the individual that has to make this decision and you are the one that has to live with it.

That said, if you determine that you want to re-bond with your ex, the happy news is that most any relationships can be restored, IF you play your cards wisely and take the right steps early enough. If you do the fight or flight things, you will just push your ex further and further away. They will become even more furious with you than they are now.

On the other hand, if you do the moth and flame thing, you will almost certainly get your ex back but you MUST act quickly before hate turns into ambivalence. In short: Give your ex reasons to reunite with you rather than justifications for leaving you. While this won t heal ALL relationships, it will work with most of them if the spark is still there underneath all the anger and hate."

I do not have room here to delve into all the details of what to do and be. I suggest again that you buy a good book for that. I will be able to give you just a few parting suggestions, however:

1. Apologize but do it in a manner that makes you seem strong, not weak and pathetic.

2. Demonstrate to your ex what he or she is losing, not what YOU are losing.

3. Put off sex until the relationship is completely healed. Sex too soon is counter-productive. Make-up sex later can be a very bonding experience.

4. The truth that you may have cheated does not need to stop you. In truth, it is a lot easier to restore loyalty and trust than you may think.

I wish you all the best in re-claiming your relationship with your ex. Now that you have some of the tools and can buy the resources to learn the rest, begin before it s too late. Don t throw away another minute!

Bob Gillespie

2011 Robert M. Gillespie , Jr.

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